*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you