*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.