*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.