(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
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What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
#Thanos #MondayMood
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?