“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
You Might Also Like
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Good morning!
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
next question.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.