[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
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*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
This is so me 😂😂
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above