Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You Might Also Like
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.