Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
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My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.