Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
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A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Breakfast for Stoners: