@a_simpl_man

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

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@DBMaxP

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@AlexKaan47

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

@sixfootcandy

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

@maughammom

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

@gavinspeiller

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

@1Happytwit

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”