Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
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-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
is this a threat
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
So many pants.
So little yoga.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
phew
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨