Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
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“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
what could possibly go wrong?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.