@KevinFarzad

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!

@Contwixt

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

@PajamaBen_

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@LadyBroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

@TheHatStore

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

@joejwest

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

@DairylandDon

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit