doctor: how are u
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Real House Wines.
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“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”
— Polite vampires.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.