@trevso_electric
@garyfromteenmom doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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@garyfromteenmom 
@blade_funner “You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
@chuuew I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
@jus4golf No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
@2tickytacky Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
@AngelaEhh I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
@2tickytacky She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
@Coolisiana (Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
@MikeSchism unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
@LuckoftheDraw86 Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.