@trevso_electric

Real House Wines.

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@blade_funner

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

@chuuew

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

@jus4golf

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

@2tickytacky

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@2tickytacky

She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@MikeSchism

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

@LuckoftheDraw86

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.