Real House Wines.
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?