Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
ok this is my dumbest yet
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.