Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
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A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.