Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Happy Halloween 🎃
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic