“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]