Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Him: you’re not wearing pants?

Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?

Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?

Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work

Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too

Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.