Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
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So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out