realest tweet ever.
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
The Others (2001)
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.