REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
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Horrifying if literal: a handbag
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am