Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
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[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.