@AshleyGWinter

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

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@EmSlyce

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

@secondofhername

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

@hipstermermaid

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

@sophielou

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

@GymVsTheVolcano

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

@HenpeckedHal

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@Goldishocks

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

@redznar

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.