Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
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[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
hmmm
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again