Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
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Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
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Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
the rocks need my help
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.