realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.