[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
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Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..