Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
You Might Also Like
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My plans: 2020:
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious