@0000seapea808

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue

@Gupton68

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

@rajandelman

A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day

@JoParkerBear

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@thrill713

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.