Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

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[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half


Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.


Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue


[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant


A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day


Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase


I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.


If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.