Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
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[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?