Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

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Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.


Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.


If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.


I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.


I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.


Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong


my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead


[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.