@AaronFullerton

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

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@FrogAvalanche

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

@Breadery

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

@IbecameMyDad

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

@tastefactory

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

@VikingBut

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

@donni

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

@javroar

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

@GingerHotDish

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.