@FrogAvalanche Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
@AaronFullerton Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
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@FrogAvalanche 
@Breadery Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
@IbecameMyDad If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
@tastefactory I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
@VikingBut I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
@donni Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
@SteveKoehler22 “Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
@javroar my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
@OrdinaryAlso doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
@GingerHotDish [Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.