Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
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ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
me 2 months after i graduated
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*