Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.