Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
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If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
and now we wait
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries