Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir