Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
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You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”