Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros


As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.


[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin


*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.


I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.


I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.


A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.


Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”