Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”