@Sy_Cornelius

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

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@minkpinkustink

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

@anerdonfire2

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

@notalogin

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@Mom_Overboard

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

@sixfootcandy

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

@skittle624

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

@WilliamAder

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”