Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
the #horror is real!
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
This is why I hate group projects
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!