Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.