Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
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[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Cake!!
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough