REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
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[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Oh, I bet you would be
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Nomnomnomnom
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Every work meeting this week
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.