Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
That time Alicia messaged me
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.