Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Who.
Did.
This?