Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
So we got a goldfish…
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
This meal prepping shit easy
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.