REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
LOL
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.