Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
This is me
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again