Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“I’m helping” 😅