Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
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me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
bought wrong eggs
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.