Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Room with a view.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Oceanography is all about current events
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.