Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
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Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
There’s always that one guy
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle