The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
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I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?