Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
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I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over